When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I have two kinds of followers
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.