I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
You Might Also Like
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
adam and eve had first world problems
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Wednesday
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex