me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
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Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.