A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
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36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!