The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
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Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.