Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
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I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
The answer is funnier than the question
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”