Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
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Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.