The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.