Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
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My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.