Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
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…żyje?
2023 was just a warmup
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My brain is a bad influence on me
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..