Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
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Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
They grow up so quick
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?