Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
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Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.