My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
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Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u