back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
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Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]