The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
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My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?