Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
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Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
You can’t rush stupid.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Flowers bee like
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues