ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers