There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
You Might Also Like
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Order here:
More here:
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
The French word for sex is croissant.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.