Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
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Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
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fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …