I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
You Might Also Like
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
The Struggle
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.