First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
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[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Teamwork makes the dream work.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky