If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
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judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Nothing.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Vodka burrito was a success
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.