911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
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I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.