My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
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oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
first you must answer his riddles