If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
You Might Also Like
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.