If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
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Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
You are not alone 💚
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.