at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
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The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.