I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real