Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
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I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.