Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
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famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Me, flirting😏
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.