Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
titanic
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
This is funnier than it should be. 😂