Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
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Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
*gets down on one knee*
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers