Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
You Might Also Like
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?