PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
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Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going