As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
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Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.