Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
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I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
This story is comedy gold 😂
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best