Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
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Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Hmmmmm
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME