So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
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I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Saturday
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.