“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
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With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull