*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…