Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
The future is now.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
what kind of cook setting is this??
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.