When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed