As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
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This woman is my idol. Free her.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I just tested negative for patience.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?