I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow