“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore