[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.