My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
You Might Also Like
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Noah was an idiot.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?