Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
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My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Story of my life…..
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
welp
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok