Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
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My love language is deader than Latin
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No