holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Basketball
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.